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I'm looking forward to my 50th bday party in a couple of years so that I'm finally old enough to be on Facebook

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Beat the heat with a cold water shower enema

Just got a fucking ginormous monitor. Holy shit it's so big

I'll support a Straight Pride Parade, but only if straight people spend a millennium being afraid to admit their straight, then 500 years being beaten, murdered and discriminated against.

LOL imagine being "proud" of being something that's dramatically easy to be.

If you don't send nudes I'm forced to conclude that your account is a Russian hacker

I aspire to upgrade my life to "hot mess" status

I'm saving up for a fancy fuck machine and then I won't talk to anyone else again

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Clam Dive boosted

The local university hired me to teach a class in self-sabotage but then they get mad when didn't write a syllabus and blew off like half the classes

US healthcare, venting 

I finally obtain all the infinity stones after years of searching and battle. I put the last one into the gauntlet and *snap* DJ Khaled disappears forever

The time between eating McDonald's and feeling awful is measured in seconds

What do you call it when you have great ideas for art but no talent which to produce said art? Whatever it's called that's what I am.

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Unstoppable shitposting engine.