Fats Gordo @FatsGordo@jorts.horse
Full time poster, part time father. He/him
Joined Nov 2022
Pinned toot
The name "Fats Gordo" came from a fake jazz musician I made up in high school. I'd say "that cat, Fats Gordo, sure could blow. Played a mean trumpet, too"
Fats Gordo
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The carbon in my DNA was forged in the heart of a star. The iron in my blood was made in a supernova explosion. The microplastics in my brain are from used condoms made out of ancient plankton corpse goop. Everything is one.
To the sqirrels, I am known as "Nut-Giver"
Fats Gordo
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NEPHEW: Does life get easier when you're older?
ME: [eating "ranch blasted" taco shells directly from the box because they are basically giant corn chips] Life doesn't get easier but you learn to adapt
Fats Gordo
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a tip for the fellas: it's true that women appreciate spontaneity, but never make the mistake of surprising them with an unexpected item in the bagging area
Fats Gordo
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Every color Lego tastes the same it's a ripoff
If the big bang really did happen someone would've heard it
Can I win a Nobel War prize if I kill the right people?
Fats Gordo
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when an american man walks into a quaint wee pub in Scotland and announces he is 1/8th Scottish, we all leap up with tears in our eyes & cry out "a lost son of Alba is returned to us!" and everyone busies round him and gets him a whisky and an old lady called Morag tearfully hugs him and calls him a bonny lad, and we all ask him to marry our bonny daughters, and the auld men start up a ceilidh tune and we teach him to dance like a Scot and when he's all tired out we cut off his head and eat him
Fats Gordo
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SOMEWHERE, A GUY DRESSED LIKE UNCLE SAM, STILTS AND ALL, IS STAPLING "MISSING F-35" FLIERS TO UTILITY POLES.
Fats Gordo
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ME, BEFORE COFFEE: I feel terrible
ME, AFTER COFFEE: I feel terrible and fast
The symbol for snickerdoodle should be a crudely drawn penis. Because it's a doodle that makes you snicker
Fats Gordo
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If you ever catch me eating a bag of raw carrots for lunch, I'd appreciate it if you likened me to Bugs Bunny instead of livestock
Thinking about it, it's probably fun to have a 9/11 birthday now. Any time someone gives you a gift you could say "This is like 9/11!"
Today, let's all try to remember the real 9/11: my birthday. My birthday's not actually on 9/11, but I'll take all the parties I can get
Fats Gordo
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last time i was with my aunt, she told me about how she had to drive home for three days straight after 9/11 because all the flights were grounded and missed her kid's birthday
me: that was the worst thing that happened to anyone on september 11 , 2001
her, laughing: yeah!
Fats Gordo
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Catfishing my potential online dating matches by including photos of uncle's sweet nunchaku rack, instead of my far inferior rig
Your kid meets the best stranger kids at the McDonalds play area. They're the right mix of reckless and helpful
Full time poster, part time father. He/him
Joined Nov 2022
