one time i knew a guy named geoff. he put his # in my phone labeled geoff. his social media said geoff. we hung out for 3 years, i thought of him as a Geoff. i watched him fill out a job application and learned his legal name was jeff and just didn’t like how it looked aesthetically and tbh i can’t get over it to this day

Just found this show Lucifer and the synopsis says he's the devil and he helps solve murders and I am LIVID >:(

hey guys its my birthday and also christmas eve. spread the holiday joy by smashing that boost button

so you enjoy “egg” nog and yet you claim to be cis? okay …

when santa is in heat, he sheds eggs from his beard which mature into the so-called "elves" he employs in his workshop.

getting reports that my toots are bad. smiling and nodding to myself.

whatever the case, we can only engage with the elves as they appear to us. as sentient beings enslaved. do we accept even the potential justification of santa's actions on our plane of existence as the means to some "greater good" that we cannot comprehend? absolutely not. just because he's a hyperdimensional being who loves his wife doesn't mean that santa is a "good person" or has good politics. and for all we know, santa is testing our politics, seeing if we are ready for a wider cosmos.

as the elders die of old age they melt into snow and candy canes. the candy is harvested and the bewildered children are browbeaten and cajoled into doing work that, they will slowly come to realize, never ends. most people suppose that this lifecycle serves some purpose beyond our comprehension for the greater santa being. others suspect that the elves are, in fact, a part of him. and a third school sees the elves as an unintended byproduct to the larger consciousness, like a form of waste.

you know how you can put one ripe banana in a paper bag with a bunch of unripe bananas, and they'll ripen up fast? the newborn elves give off a pheromone that ages the elder generation at an alarming rate, 90 years' worth of time, while the newborns age about 10 years. the elders continue to work, under the abuse of an increasingly abusive santa who seems utterly oblivious to their plight, as he also bullies the youngsters into taking over work that they barely understand.

if you have ever exchanged currency for goods or services, you are a capitalist pig and your cancelled

me: gay people...
[breathless audience on the edges of their seats]
me: ... with horns
[hooting, hollering, vuvuzelas, I crowd-surf out]

*with a hearty nog mustache, over a mug of steaming nog* sorry fools, lard nog is richer and more pure than egg nog

in order to replenish the population of roughly one hundred thousand elves, santa will shed around two /million/ eggs per season. half of these are eliminated before they develop their candy stripes due to nancy's cleaning efforts. of the remaining million, roughly 91% are destroyed and eaten by nancy and the other elves. then, the remaining ninety thousand hatch.

the eggs are a nuisance, and nancy and the elves will crush as many as they can. they're filled with a rare, rich species of nog (i believe it's lard) that the elves go crazy for. it makes for a chaotic season to say the least, with everyone eating eggs and stumbling over shells. the only reason that any elves in a clutch survive is, quite simply, the sheer number of eggs santa will shed in a single heat.

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