Show more

THE TARGET HAS LEFT HIS NEST

I REPEAT, THE TARGET HAS LEFT HIS NEST

ALL UNITS BEGIN COVERT OPERATIONS IMMEDIATELY

THE EAGLE HAS LANDED!!!!!

ALL FORCES WITHDRAW AND PREPARE FOR OUR NEXT OFFENSIVE, SCHEDULED FOR 11/26

OVER AND OUT, HOO RAH

once again, the target has sat back down without noticing anything is awry

i'm not turning around cuz it'll give me away BUT I CAN HEAR HIM REMOVING THE MANY CLIPS I USED

HE KNOWS

HE

KNOWS

damnit he got them both, i was hoping he'd miss page 2 of two

"what's with the horses! i got horsed!!! look at this!"

"maybe it was Bob..."

"no, no, he wouldn't. and look at this! all these clips!"

"why horses?"

"i dunno! hey zoey, anyone come past my desk while i was in that meeting?"

>>"yeah that guy in the corner that was sitting in bossman's cube, but idk who that even is"

"damnit... who is doing this?? it's gotta be brian, gotta be."

"page 2 of two?"

"same person that did this, obviously. i don't get it! nice clips though."

lmfao he's laid everything out on the cube divider like a crime scene and keeps staring at it thoughtfully every few minutes like he's on the verge of cracking this case

"guess what day it is I mean it's horses I don't get it, they keep putting it up when I go in my meeting at 9 o clock..."

"wait this one too?"

"yeah this one too same thing... guess what day it is, what day is it???"

"you got an old phone or something? set it up filming?"

"yeah i got this old iPad, I've got it set up on timelapse right now just to see how long it'll keep going before it cuts out..."

"you can't use that, they'll see it sitting there, they'll know it's filming them"

"someone just keeps comin in early i guess heh heh"

"no!! no that's the thing! I've been here, it's not there in the morning but then as soon as I go into my 9 o clock meeting someone's coming around and gettin me. i keep getting horsed."

"but what's the reference? this seems like a reference?"

"i don't know!!!! guess what day it is? it's tuesday!"

guess i gotta keep my eyes open for his fuckin ipad spying on me

he seems to have realized that i'm always doing this during his 9AM tuesday meeting, but that's just been because of convenience -- he'll probly set up surveillance during that meeting going forward

THE JOKE'S ON YOU BUD

I'LL JUST DO IT DURING LUNCH

i've had a lot of long-running threads but this has got to be my favorite so far, by far,

HE HAS CONFIRMED THE TIME-LAPSE FUNCTIONALITY ON HIS IPAD

TARGET'S SURVEILLANCE CAPABILITIES: ACKNOWLEDGED

HORSEDAY OPERATIONAL SECURITY CONCERNS: NEGLIGIBLE

YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD HORSE DOWN, BITCH ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ

POWERING DOWN HORSEDAY.EXE TO BASELINE, ESSENTIAL FUNCTIONALITIES FOR THE NEXT 14 DAYS IN PREPARATION FOR PHASE 4

LOCKDOWN: INITIATED

LOCKDOWN EXTENDED FOR AN ADDITIONAL 7 DAYS, AS THE TARGET IS RETREATING FOR SOME SORT OF ARCANE RITUAL INVOLVING LARGE DOMESTIC BIRDS

PHASE FOUR OPERATIONAL ACTIVITIES REPLANNED FOR DECEMBER 3RD

THE TARGET HAS NOT LEFT HIS DAMNED DESK ALL DAY

I AWAIT MY CHANCE FOR GLORY

FROM MY HQ I SURVEIL ALL SURROUNDINGS

HERE YOU CAN SEE MY SECRET: I HAVE ANGLED REFLECTIONS TO EVERY SINGLE CO-WORKER'S HEAD & MONITOR

FIRST, THE HORSETARGET. EASY. THEN, BOSSMAN -- BY MOVING SIDE TO SIDE BOTH MONITORS BECOME VISIBLE (this is a reflection of a reflection).

BUT LASTLY. THE PIรˆCE DE Rร‰SISTANCE. THE GUY BEHIND THE WALL IN FRONT OF ME. CAN YOU SEE IT? CAN YOU SEE HIS BALD HEAD? CUZ I CAN, AND IT INSTANTLY TELLS ME IF HE'S THERE OR NOT

THE MAN CATTYCORNER TO ME CAN BE SPOTTED VIA MY CLEVERLY PLACED DESK LAMP, NEVER USED

THE GUY NEXT TO HIM (quiet fellow) IS VISIBLE THROUGH THIS CONVENIENTLY PLACED CRACK

AND THE LARGE FELLOW DIRECTLY ACROSS THE AISLE TO MY RIGHT CAN BE BARELY, BUT COVERTLY, SURVEILLED THROUGH THIS SLIVER OF A REFLECTION (of a reflection, maybe of another reflection). HERE YOU CAN SPOT THE ARCH OF HIS ORTHOPEDIC CHAIR, PUSHED IN, SIGNIFYING HIS ABSENCE

the man behind me is a simpler affair, as he is oblivious to anything but his work, so i simply turn around and look at him. he is usually sitting right there when i've pulled off horseday operations -- he never notices

if he doesn't FUCKIN LEAVE soon i'll have to make the switch after he fully leaves for the day, but that will mean i miss his initial reaction tomorrow morning (he gets in at like 6AM like a maniac)

HRMMMM.

๐Ÿšจ OPERATIONAL SUCCESS, FOLKS ๐Ÿšจ

I REPEAT, OPERATIONAL SUCCESS!!!!!!!

AND NOW ALL THERE IS TO DO IS AWAIT OUR TARGET'S RETURN

OVER AND OUT COMRADES, HOOOOOOOO RAH

he better come fucking back this is the only reason i haven't fled work as soon as my boss turned his back

THE TARGET HAS RETURNED

I REPEAT, THE TARGET HAS RETURNED

"no horse stuff today?"

"nope, no horse stuff today. i think either tom or you had a hand in it"

"horse stuff?"

"yeah, a couple months ago somebody put THIS on my desk"

HE PICKED IT UP AND MOVED IT HE HAS NOT REALIZED THE RIDER IS NEW WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL

he's finally made the connection to his camel pictures but he's talking about it like the horse pranks stopped a few weeks ago HE LITERALLY HE PICKED IT UP HOW POWERFUL IS CHANGE BLINDNESS HOLY HELL

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?????????? HE'S JUST. CASUALLY TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL NOW

THE THREE OF THEM STAND AROUND HIS DESK, LIKE A TRIBUNAL

OUR STEADFAST RIDER SITS BETWEEN THEM, PLAIN AS DAY

NONE OF THEM ARE AWARE THAT THIS HORSE DIDN'T ORIGINALLY HAVE A RIDER ON IT, OR REINS, OR A BRIDLE, OR A SADDLE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

THE TRIBUNAL HAS RETURNED TO THEIR TASKS

BACK TO WORK!!!

I AM GOBSMACKED

THE TARGET HAS NOT ATTENDED HIS REGULAR 9:00 MEETING

OPERATIONS WILL NEED TO BE ALTERED ACCORDINGLY

STAND BY FOR GLORY, COMRADES

WE'LL SEE THIS MISSION THROUGH TO VICTORY, NO MATTER THE HARDSHIPS

let's use this break to briefly, unrelatedly, ponder what in the fresh hell is going on over in THIS corner of the office today,

just want to let y'all know that today's payload is an absolute masterpiece that i stayed up in bed working on on my phone for an hour and a half after when i was supposed to go to sleep last night

AND I WON'T SPOIL ITS GLORY BY POSTING IT EARLY

YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN MY STRIKE IS SUCCESSFUL

a super old lady i'm vaguely familiar with just passed me in the hall, made direct eye contact, grinned and loudly made some kind of demonic noise, "wrrhooOO!" (silent H)

what the fuck

maybe she was trying to say howareYOUUUU but her mouth was full of sand

so yesterday i tried to print this horse on the top corner of his camel print-out

i snuck over to his stash, carefully extracted the TAINTED ARTIFACT, and loaded it into the printer to be printed upon

.... unfortunately it's a weird shape cuz he cut out his horrible print job to make it look less like shit so all i accomplished was jamming the printer

after which i had to open up the whole damned printer (which is larger than my entire body) to rescue the TAINTED ARTIFACT from it's clutches, and return it to its nest.

there is a vaguely horse-shaped smudge on it, now, but overall the operation was a failure

:pensive_cowboy:

๐Ÿšจ THE TARGET IS DISCUSSING LUNCH PLANS ๐Ÿšจ

HE IS STRONGLY CONSIDERING JIMMY JOHNS

MY DISGUST, AND CONTEMPT, SURGE EVER HIGHER

๐Ÿšจ I REPEAT, ALL UNITS REPORTING OPERATIONAL SUCCESS ๐Ÿšจ

WE NOW AWAIT THE TARGET'S RETURN

OVER AND OUT, HOO RAH

ONE OF THE TARGET'S MAIN SUSPECTS, WHO NORMALLY WORKS FROM A DIFFERENT OFFICE, STOPPED BY FOR A VISIT

I COULDN'T HAVE PLANNED THIS BETTER

he's gonna be absolutely convinced this guy is responsible when he hears he was here from his cube neighbor

๐ŸŽ:jhorse:๐ŸŽ:jhorse:๐ŸŽ:jhorse:๐ŸŽ:jhorse:๐ŸŽ

THE TARGET HAS RETURNED

I REPEAT, THE TARGET HAS RETURNED

YEEEEEEHAW

as if to prove the message on the payload as correct as possible, he hasn't fucking noticed it

I WILL NOT ABANDON MY POST UNTIL I WITNESS HIS REACTION TO TODAY'S OPERATION

I WILL STARVE IN THIS CHAIR BEFORE I MISS THIS MOMENT, THIS IS MY SOLEMN VOW TO YOU ALL,

i casually let him know he's "been horsed again".

"i got horsed??! damn! how long's that been there!"

he hasn't gotten up to look at it yet, perhaps awaiting his cube neighbor's return

"HEY TOM. I GOT HORSED AGAIN."

"you got horsed??"

"yeah"

"CARLOS."

"you think?"

"it HAD to be"

"i think it's ZOEY. only common denominator."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE IS WRITING ON THE SHEET WITH A LARGE RED MARKER?????? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

IS HE DOING ALGEBRA TO PROVE MY GUILT????

HE HAS PUT ASIDE ALL WORK TO PONDER THE PAGE

HE IS ROTATING BACK AND FORTH IN HIS CHAIR, SHEET IN ONE HAND, MARKER IN THE OTHER, DEEP IN CONTEMPLATION

"i didn't even notice it...."

"?"

"look at this! 7/9? 10/22? they put the saddle, and then the guy... I didn't even notice it! did you?"

"i didn't notice all that, no!"

"i know it's not you, now. huh. goddamn."

i can barely make out their words.. something about the camels, and retirement, and pension

"no fun!"

"...."

"all I know is that horse is mine! taking it with me!"

"-inaudible-"

"taking it with me!"

"that's a good retirement gift right there, it is"

"not giving them the chance! not-"

"yeah, that'll-"

"-inaudible-"

"--make the announcement, then maybe--"

"All I know is that'll maybe force the situation, working from home all the time"

"somebody knows! somebody knows!!"

i know he's planning to go on vacation for the next two weeks, but maybe he plans to work from home full-time next year until retirement ... and he thinks somebody is gonna take the horse back while he's on vacation

LITTLE DOES HE KNOW

THERE'S TWO MORE HORSES

AWAITING

"who was standing by my cube today?"

"nobody!"

me: "carlos came by"

"CARLOS CAME BY???"

"Carlos came by! He was here!"

"IT'S CARLOS. ITS GOTTA BE."

"WE GOT THE SUSPECT"

"so look, here's today's horse. so the thing is, i got the plain horse in july.... but then..."

"HE'S BEEN DOING THIS THE WHOLE TIME!??"

"YEP. YEP."

"you know, i THOUGHT that looked different... i didn't remember the little guy on there..."

"i THOUGHT it was Tom, but he was at lunch WITH me today, and i got horsed!"

"it's CARLOS. he's always in town on wednesdays for that meeting..."

"this is every TUESDAY though"

"is it? i thought it was wednesday"

"nope! nope! every tuesday. it's like a... pre-humpday."

"maybe he's in early for that meeting?"

"I dunno, I dunno. Now we gotta go back and check if Carlos was in town on these months..."

"i'm telling you, we got him. we got him. the suspect has been caught."

Show more

@killeveryhetero this has to be one of the highlight stories of Mastodon. One for the history books.

@triz IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, I PROMISE TO HANG ALL COPS AND LANDLORDS AND DECLARE HORSEDAY A FEDERAL HOLIDAY,

@bruja eh

they look nice but all the glass and especially the gaps in the glass and the halfwalls between neighborcubes means zero privacy

the uglyass old cubes at least gave you some measure of privacy to sleep on your desk in peace,

@killeveryhetero grass is greener, i guess. i have the old ones with those walls you can punch thumb tacks in but we're also highly crowded in our office so it doesnt give me much private in the end u.u

@killeveryhetero I have no fucking clue what is going on in this thread but holy shit I admire the dedication

@killeveryhetero i am incredibly amused he doesnt seem to suspect the irony poisoned lady with the bright red hair, you know, the only one that seems to have the proclivity to make something that says "page howdy of howdy" in rainbow text on it

@killeveryhetero im fucking dying over here holy shit how can you keep your fucking composure aaaaaaa

@killeveryhetero the jig is up! ๐Ÿ‘ฎโ€โ™€๏ธ ๐Ÿš”

Sign in to participate in the conversation
jorts.horse

Unstoppable shitposting engine.