this story 1000% happened, by the way

he's not the type to make funny shit up

here's the most infamous submission from one of my co-workers

it's... magnificent

my company makes us submit "safety incidents" we've prevented over the course of the year, whether at work or in our personal lives, and you're required to submit a certain number per year.

i always write stories about dangerous crates full of apples,

@killeveryhetero im fucking dying over here holy shit how can you keep your fucking composure aaaaaaa

yellin Show more

@killeveryhetero to think u can accurately predict when a wild horse will arrive is just hubris. a wild horse arrives when it wants

@killeveryhetero i just read through this entire thread, howling the entire time and multiple times exclaimed, aloud, to only myself "this is the best fucking thing i've ever read on the internet oh my GOD"

i think next time i'll have to stay late on a monday, and leave the payload there after everyone else goes home -- he's never here on mondays, only one of them is

i'll miss the initial reaction but i'll get him discussing it with the others all day once i'm here

HMMMM

plenty of time to plan it out, at any rate

THE NEXT HORSEDAY OPERATION WON'T BE TIL JANUARY 7TH, DUE TO HOLIDAY INTERFERENCE

MARK YOUR CALENDARS, FOLKS

HAPPY FUCKIN HORSEDAY Y'ALL

OVER AND OUT, HOOOOOO RAH

@planeswalkingMouse nah there's a path between the window and the back of his desk, the plan was to go behind and push the tablet over so it doesn't catch me

he sets it up to record during a weekly tuesday meeting that i've been using as an opportunity to strike, cuz he thought it was something to do with that meeting, but they didn't have their meeting this week so

the fact that they've been discussing this nonstop for the last 2 hours with anyone who happens to wander past tells you exactly how much work gets done in this place

"Carlos..."

"yep"

"Denying?"

"Yep! Says it's Steve."

"he's in town all week, huh, cause he's going to lunch with us!"

"yyyyyep!"

"we'll break him down tomorrow. we'll get it out of him"

"tell him we dusted the hoofprints. tell him he left the EVIDENCE behind. he'll fall for it."

AAAAAAAAAAAA TOMORROW IS GONNA BE ROUGH I KNEW IT

"you needa set up a camera to record them"

"I did!! I did!! I've got my tablet set up with a timelapse to watch! but i didn't put it up today! i didn't put it up today and i got HORSED."

"doesn't matter. we know it's carlos. just a matter of time now."

"i'm TAKING this horse home with me. he ain't gettin this thing back. nuh uh. no way. it's MINE now."

"it's a pretty nice horse actually yeah"

"wait, is the rider a girl?"

"yup! yup!"

"oh damn i never even noticed that..."

"Yeah that smells like Tom"

"he was at lunch with me!"

"he's got an accomplice. hey Tom, you got an accomplice?"

"they talking shit about you back here Tom!"

"Carlos is still denying it??"

"yeah he's blaming it on ME."

"he's blaming it on Steve"

"still denying it. Just remember y'all, one day you're gonna get CAUGHT."

"well i ain't have to worry about that"

"what's gonna happen when you go on vacation? they gotta do something big"

"Tom's gonna send a real horse to your fuckin house"

"okay so back in July, this horse is sitting here. Without the girl or the saddle. No explanation."

"no saddle?"

"and then on Wednesdays, I put up these signs... Humpday."

"and then THESE started showing up. have you perchance checked the DATE. guess what day it is. perhaps you missed it. and then THIS ONE shows up."

"hmmm"

"yeehaw partner, guess ya ain't all that observant. they took the TIME to take pictures every time..."

"oh my god"

"i REALLY thought it was Tom. But it ain't."

our team's holiday lunch is tomorrow

Carlos previously declined the meeting

BUT, I JUST CHECKED, AND HE'S SINCE REVERSED AND ACCEPTED IT

WE'RE IN FOR A BUMPY ROAD TOMORROW FOLKS

I MIGHT GET RUMBLED

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jorts.horse

Unstoppable shitposting engine.