raquel ❦ @raquel@jorts.horse

I have to stop using mastodon as my diary

I think perhaps I am very stupid and do not know how to design

That or being the person who can read and who keeps knowledge and applies wisdom for the good of the community. That would've slapped.

Sorry, learn* all they could

I feel I would really have thrived in the days of master craftspeople taking on an apprentice who would leave all they could and then push forward the practice.

except for being a queer woman (*ish) but let's scope this to the labor experience for now.

I love it when my cat comes over, settles in, and gets to LOUDLY snoring

Spent one day downtown and find it hard not to feel SXSW interactive is anything but a hype cycle of meaningless and culturally-impoverished data suck with a side of soulless PR spin

LIKE yeah I'm articulate and deeply self/emotionally aware and not currently at this exact moment in an absolute depressive episode. that doesn't mean I'm good. Cursed by my own coping mechanism. But he also spent most of the hour pontificating on random and tbqh uninformed opinions...I didn't even need to be there.

Psychiatrist said a LOT of weird shit and then basically told me I didn't seem like I was struggling, to get a dog/go touch grass, then just increased the dose of the meds I'd quit. Is it me? am I making it up? am I fine and just misunderstanding life/the human condition? It can't be...why do we need to get to total breakdown to have treatment taken seriously? How do people get licensed? I used to think psychs were brilliant and could immediately tell what's wrong with you. lol.

what if instead of stressing out constantly about what new flavor of tech delusion my leadership will thrust upon me I could just make cool important things with people I like and admire? oh well

I quit my brain meds for reasons but now I think I need new ones. I'm at my wit's end w/ burnout, depression, and all the barriers of logistics and insurance and finding the right provider and time and experimentation, all to figure out medication management...

I just want to feel like myself again, or rather like I can be the person I've always wanted to be. feels impossible to reach.

ugh sorry probably shouldn't be using mastodon as my personal diary just feels insurmountable

what's the depressed version of rage quitting? in that stage of down that has me just lumping out of things

had one of those workdays where I just feel too stupid to be employed

Wow is my mastodon client uploading badly or is the image compression on this site really this bad??

Also sorry for the bad @