Pinned toot

*Senator Dick Durbin, looks at a list of people born on his birth date and speaks to himself in the third person*

Why, they're all Durbin's age!

Pinned toot

Anytime anyone mistakes me for being anything less than highly intelligent, I show them polaroids of my bookshelves. That's right. plural

Putting the launch codes inside of a Rome box set for safe keeping was maybe the smartest thing those natsec guys have ever done

breaking into healyns house just to open his Rome box set and leaving

crazy to think if i hadnt signed up to some freaky looking website one afternoon in august 2018 id have a normal relationship to the character garfeild to this day

my theory is that youtube is the one service google can't kill even tho they really want to, so they're slowly making it more and more shit so it becomes unpopular enough to abandon

My noisy neighbor with the metalworking hobby will answer for his chimes!

On mornings when it’s cold like this, neighborhood children should rush out tumblers of brandy to me as I walk my dog so I might spit it out in their pathetic little faces

Home is where the heart is, unless it isn’t. If you’re not home but your heart is, you die

It’s not easy doing what Jesus did (be early 30s)

"So your toot is a little joke is it? How does it advance or assist unfeasibly large turds trying to embrace the Fediverse?"

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idc what typa quest I'm on, a centuries old MILF invites me to her cave, I'm staying til she kicks me out 😤

People doubt my ability to fight an orangutan in the court of public opinion, which doesn’t bother me. It fuels me, and is reason 2 why I could defeat any orangutan

I could fight an orangutan in the court of public opinion

how can people in the US still talk shit about capitalism when a strong employment report leads to the stock market tanking? wait...gimme a second before i hit "Publish!" on this one

I wonder if i could curate this web site enough to where i only see normal people

I can’t believe I farted in the groundhog’s face for nothing. Little shit still said six more weeks. Next year, I choose violence

if you tell me anyone on here is like 3 feet tall i will believe you instantly because that's what i already half-think for most of you

Paywalled from reading a Rolling Stone story about people horny for the Mucinex mucus guy, I will not be denied

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Unstoppable shitposting engine.