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*Senator Dick Durbin, looks at a list of people born on his birth date and speaks to himself in the third person*

Why, they're all Durbin's age!

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Anytime anyone mistakes me for being anything less than highly intelligent, I show them polaroids of my bookshelves. That's right. plural

cats eating weird things is fucked up to me because of how careful they are about what they eat. like if a dog eats something fucked up it's just 'ah, this animal eats anything'. when a cat does it's 'this animal analysed this carefully and determined what its diet really needs is some wrapping paper and q-tips'

if i was racing in the Olympics i would simply run faster than the other people. it's called strategy

covid stuff, new mandates, etc. etc. 

Since I've been off work and able to control my activities, I've tried not to engage because 1) it's depressing and 2) I think everyone's got a point somewhere, but . . .

. . . honestly, what a lot of people, from random shitposters to politicians to scientists, are talking around is that there's a large mass of Americans who can't be bothered to help their fellow human beings even minimally, and it increasingly turns out they're not all right-wing chuds.

Disney IP rescues baseball team before it’s too late 

A stitch in time saves nine

(reading my latest death threat ) "from the desk of horsefucker_thicc..." this is bullshit. horsefucker_thicc has never owned a desk

there was a time in the 90s where they put out two movies in the same year about the lambada, and it wasn't really even a dance craze at the time

Humid afternoons are made for stoner rock and black coffee

If you never get a petard, then life’s pretty great

2021’s Sexiest Man Alive is the grown up version of the Boss Baby from the Boss Baby 2 (before he gets turned back into a baby)

nothing makes everyone think you're cool like going "oh me? I hope my country LOSES at sports, I'm kind of twisted like that"

Going to the lumber yard to say, “huh, this place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be”

so my wife's gone for the day, and i got this guy over, and we're making out, right. but my wife gets home unexpectedly. i dont want her to find out i'm gay, which is why i dug a small space to hide my lovers under the floorboards. i have this guy crawl down there, and i cover it up.

anyway my wife comes in, and she's askin all kinds of questions. and i'm making small talk, trying to hurry her out of the house. but the whole time, this dude under the floorboards is cranking it with metronome-like regularity. i can hear him super loud! so i'm talking as loud as i can and stomping around tryin to cover up the sound.

and i can tell my wife's getting suspicious right. and i'm getting more and more and more nervous. cause this dude is beating his meat louder. and Louder. and LOUDER! and finally i break down. i tell her everything. i'm gay. i want a divorce, i have gay lovers, etc etc. and i'm tearing up the floorboards to show her, but when we look down there, there's NO GUY AT ALL

and it turns out i was just fantasizing all along. and the sound of him jerking off was actually my own nervous pulse beating in my ears


If I were to rob a bank, I would make sure to get “unmarked bills”. Good luck catching me now, coppers. I’ll mix them up with my other money. Have fun proving which is which

@remulacfrommars asking the bank teller, "do your ATMs distribute unmarked bills?"

a guy i went to high school with got caught after robbing the same bank 3 times. he lived like 50 yards away from it

so if you ever watch a movie where smart detectives are trying to piece together a "pattern", just remember it's fiction

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Unstoppable shitposting engine.