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*Senator Dick Durbin, looks at a list of people born on his birth date and speaks to himself in the third person*

Why, they're all Durbin's age!

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Anytime anyone mistakes me for being anything less than highly intelligent, I show them polaroids of my bookshelves. That's right. plural

Ever since I saw a preview for Verhoeven’s sexy nun movie while I was waiting to see Spencer, I’ve been having unnatural thoughts. Like, what if I made my own element out of nothing at all?

the prostate exam is over 

Little guy’s going to Harvard

Georges Brassens ressucite en 2021: Je ne suis pas anti vaccin / Je ne suis pas anti medecin / Je suis l'as du confinement / Je me conduis scientifiquement

Sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve been at the VFW, telling my buddies in red hats about the fediverse and all it’s wonderful features. Anyway, back to the grind

anyone who is funnier than me is 'irony poisoned'. anyone less funny than me is 'normie' or 'cringe'

italian fred flinstones and he says yabba gabba gool. [nudging you in the ribs] hey did you hear what i s

there are only 67 people on this website. it shouldn't be like this, until you consider who those 67 people are.

a big pet peeve i have these days is people saying "this could never be made now" about any media from the 90s/early 2000s. it could absolutely be made. calm down

I have just been informed that it’s not a “jackoff lantern” by the cashier at the supermarket. Pedants are everywhere

EC, selfie 

Working on a damn Saturday. At least my face looks good today

Ejaculation is only premature if you don’t believe in destiny

the anti-imperialist left needs to reckon with the authoritarianism of xi jinping sending up a constellation of satellites that form the image of him fucking my wife every time they pass over my house

Norm Macdonald taught me it was okay to get fired from SNL, a lesson I have not put into practice. Then again, not every lesson is useful. Still, it was funnier than the quadratic equation and in a way more educational

i actually did a similar thing to the one the bad at chess guy was doing, where i aimed to learn a new skill every week. the first week i learned how to moonwalk, then decided i didn't need any further skills

Vaccine made my nuts more muscular, so results may vary

My favorite voice actor (Jason Lee in Underdog) makes zero attempt to sound like a dog or like anything but himself

Where now are the #drama and the #vent channels? Where is the discourse that was brewing?

Where is the callout post and the context post, and the screenshots flowing?

Where is the clout fiend and the uninformed user, and the online statuses glowing?

Where are the 250+ unread messages with numbers still growing?

They have passed like posts on the timeline, like a fav in the night;

The days have gone down on this Discord server, behind the #general channel into shadow.

Who shall gather the juicy gossip of the fights brewing,

Or behold the cancellations from the CW: metas returning?

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Unstoppable shitposting engine.