Robert @robotcarsley@jorts.horse

Joe Biden is just Pierce Hawthorne from community and also Chevy chase on the set of community

http://twitter.com/sweekbat/status/1172955352343732225 "My roommate got super stoned a couple weeks back and found out you can order a personalized big toblerone. He immediately forgot about it until it showed up last night"

i'm gonna write a song about my husband that refuses to wash his taint and how he has changed my perception of beauty standards

A Canticle For Lebowski

Here's the new logo for the #IWW Southern Coordinating Committee, we're about to scare the shit out of an employer taking out their garbage

My Bripe My Bripe And Me

How to Treat Vaginal Thrush

How to Do the Crocodile Pose in Yoga

"Sinatra?" actually, the singular is: Sinatrum

@selontheweb Gregor samsa’s boss points at rule book. “There’s no rule saying vermin can’t still come to work”

Gregor Samsa's Air Bug, coming soon to own on DVD and video cassette

@brogepi @laser @alex this is the best joke I've ever made

@mood @gayalien @larrydavis my Google Maps now tells me how long the drive to the Dairy Queen is when I open it, which is very embarrassing

John Bolton was fired because his mustache detached like Soundwave’s cassette tapes during a cabinet meeting and started strangling Ivanka.

@DissidentKitty

IT: Chapter 2 was the worst IT Crowd reboot I’ve ever seen

40 year olds please do not be "deep into fandom" and instead "smoke a fucking cigarette"

I like how in "Chantilly Lace" the Big Bopper confirms "this is the Big Bopper speakin'", as if anyone else in the world answers the phone by saying "helllllloOoOo bAaAaAaby"

☎️☎️
The Big Bopper: helllllloOoOo bAaAaAaby
Me: Buddy Holly, is that you?
The Big Bopper: NoOoOoOo
Me: Oh! Sorry, Chubby Checker. You sounded like Buddy Holly for a second there.
The Big Bopper: OoOoOoh nOoOoOo