Pinned toot

did i even do an ? no, i don't think so because i was so eager to begin shitposting immediately.

i'm Sharkey, but my friends call me Dan. i'm impossibly old but i was on the internet earlier than my contemporaries so it can be weird to be me. i'm from California but now I live in Berlin working at a famous non-profit & an amateur novelist who does every year.

whatever you say immediately triggers a reference in my head. i utter it about 10% of the time. you're welcome

Sharkey! boosted
Sharkey! boosted

i just said "i think most people's dicks would destroy a rat" and i MEANT it

i just said "i think most people's dicks would destroy a rat" and i MEANT it

it's amazing that even this quantity of scantily-clad preposterously gorgeous women isn't enough to save White Lotus S2. not even Aubrey Plaza!

Sharkey! boosted

HUGE NATURAL hiring managers are HORNY for 3-5 years of EXPERIENCE

Sharkey! boosted

famous opening line from Moby Girldick: Call Me Shemael

i attempted to enter the trance of pre-sleep and cracked off a few posts from that ostensibly ideal shitposting state. but it didn't take and now I'm drinking tea at 3am. the posts are in some kind of inscrutable limbo

Sharkey! boosted

dick sucking is to Christianity as ______ is to Buddhism

poll open until Thursday

bezoars are the universe's punishment for inventing mousse

ancient beans grow fresh plants.

i saw that sprayed on the outside wall of a convenience store so i went in and bought some chili. will report back

why wouldn't you pour milk on regular bread, instead of toasting it first and thereby sending a message that you don't know what you want and aren't afraid to waste tons of time getting it?

sleep means you have the ability to silence the teeming crowds in your head and must therefore be a riot cop.

insomnia = ACAB

Sharkey! boosted
Sharkey! boosted
Sharkey! boosted
Sharkey! boosted
Sharkey! boosted

a ranking of fast food restaurants by where their napkins fall on the scale from printer paper to resort caliber towels

observing from afar i'm pleased to say that a movie i care little about is likely to crush a movie i care less about

Sharkey! boosted

bf: babe come to bed
me: just a sec, I’m posting
bf: is this that twitter like thing? the one with the elephant?
me: mastodon? yeah but this one is a horse
bf: its called mastodon but it’s a horse
me: well this one is, most of them are mammoths
bf: okay
me: oh and the horse wears jorts
bf: what
me: yeah and like most of the posts are about the jorts or the horse how to bejort a horse or whatever
bf: fuck sake babe if you want to break up just say so

Show older
jorts.horse

Unstoppable shitposting engine.