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People say 69 is the sex number but 30 is XXX in Roman numerals so there

My infant daughter keeps waking me up every couple hours wanting food. That's literally a gitmo tactic. She literally gitmo-ing me

“In the land of the constipated the diarrhea man is king” I say out loud to myself as I walk quickly to the bathroom for the 7th time today.

Mods are asleep, post quietly so we don’t wake them up 🤫

I spent so much time memorizing the legend of the Millbrook monster but nobody even asks about the old abandoned knife factory where it’s rumored to take its victims!

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The worst part about working at a gas station is that you hardly ever get to give cryptic warnings to carefree travelers about that terrible thing that’s been haunting these parts.

Movies make it seem like you get to do that all the time, but I’ve only had to use the phrase “y’all best leave that place well-enough alone” like twice.

Naming my kids Goofus and Gallant and crossing my fingers that I got it right

The bouncer squints skeptically at the ID. "This really you?" he asks, half-jokingly.

"Well, no, it's not," Magritte says, "it's a representation of--"

Told my barber I was going for a sexy Dan Aykroyd look

We return now to the continuing adventures of Jorts Jorts and The Horse

He’s the one they call Dr. Feelgood, his doctorate was in economics.
He can’t make you feel alright, but he can help you understand the complex system that is making you unhappy.

None of you fuckers realize that I have a second health bar

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Unstoppable shitposting engine.