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BuzzFeed's Top Ten Tips for Honking Off in a Crowded Arby's™ Without Getting Caught by the Fukcing Cops

Well HOT DAMN folks it's that time of year again and I know you're all gathering the family and heading down to the local Arby's™ but before you go, take a gander at this Hot Tips gathered by local experts:

1) Don't forget the sunscreen!
[ᴄʟɪᴄᴋ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴍᴏʀᴇ...]

:promoted: Promoted

@killeveryhetero someone got into my Spotify recently too and played the new Kanye "Jesus is king" on repeat and fucked with my recommendations

@killeveryhetero Zoey, you are my favorite real life trickster.

All your shenanigans are hilarious but harmless, the best kind of shenanigans

so i guess someone named Melanie broke into my Spotify account somehow, they've been listening to shit for a few hours and adding songs to my playlists

anyway, now i'm making them listen to Where The Hood at, by DMX, at full volume, repeating the good part over and over again,

@killeveryhetero @ben

i can't wait to be locked out of shitposting again by that fucking jorts elk

🚨 No, Jorts is not on 3.0. I fucked up over the holidays and didn't get the updates to go through. That being said, at least one instance that theoretically shouldn't see us, seems to be able to see us. i'll try to update us this weekend, if i can get my shit together 🚨

@killeveryhetero this has to be one of the best threads on fedi holy shit

i love when people in cars glare at me as they pass me walking down the fake median lane between traffic

eat my whole ass Brenda, run me over i don't give a shit

@seafrog it's like living in a sauna except someone dumped their trash in the corner right next to wherever the hot shit in a sauna comes from i don't know i'm not a Sauna Genius so there's a nice murky hot wet Garbage Aura around you at all times and all places

my parents ARE accidentally feeding 3 raccoons and an opposum though, when they were trying to feed a stray cat

@killeveryhetero old, janky, shitty cars that struggle on despite accumulating more and more dents and shortcircuits are the love of my life

@seafrog my suspicion is that jorts is so fundamentally broken that features which are supposed to make us not federate are straight up ignored

like the world's jankiest, rustiest, junker of a car, reeking of flood waters and none of the electronics do what they're supposed to do, but by odin not a single one of your ANTI CAR countermeasures do a godsdamned thing to it

OKAY GANG WE'RE SAFE

he just called me over to show me the candle

he has no idea that it was only there for like 47 seconds before he found it, he rarely pays attention to that shelf but went for a salt shaker to put on some eggs and went "AH SON OF A BITCH" when he immediately noticed the lurking horse

he doesn't know whether it showed up last week or today

"IT CONTINUES"

me: "where the hell do you even get a horsehead candle???"

"I DUNNO, I DUNNO. -laughing- look at this damned thing"

SOOOOOO I HOPE Y'ALL CAN SEE OUR EXCELLENT CONTENT IN THE MEANTIME

🐎

@killeveryhetero

the 2019 louisiana donkey tribunal has weirdly calming ring to it

anyway how they came to the conclusion that 100% of my hair is dyed red when i very obviously and very intentionally did a black and red thing, and was sitting RIGHT HERE IN EYESIGHT WITH PLENTY OF BLACK HAIR, continues to be beyond me

they've never brought it up again

they all immediately wrote it off and forgot

OKAY WHO IS TEXTING HIM, WHO IS HE TEXTING, WHAT ARE THEY PLOTTING, WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?????? THE TEXTS STILL HAVE NOT STOPPED

IS HE IN A HORSE DETECTIVE GROUP CHAT??????????

this is when they had formed The Tribunal and these donkeys immediately ruled me out because "WELL THE HAIR'S NOT RED, SO IT CAN'T HAVE COME FROM ZOEY" because they have zero idea how hair works (to be fair, most of them don't have much hair left i guess)

they instead starting teasing the target "EY YOU BEEN HAVIN GIRLS COMING OVER TO YOUR CUBE BUD?"

i sat over here in disbelief the entire time

HE MOVED IT TO THE FRONT OF HIS DESK AT SOME POINT

THE TEXTS CONTINUE, UNABATED

HE DIDNT UNWRAP IT??? WHAT WAS ALL THAT CRINKLING????? WAS HE SEARCHING FOR CLUES? DID I LEAVE A LONGASS ZOEYHAIR AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME????

I don't think I mentioned this in the thread earlier, but they found one of my hairs a month ago when I added the rider to the horse

my hair goes down to my waist, it's incredibly long, and the single black hair they found was about 4 feet long .... YYYYYEP THAT'S ME

to be honest i don't really have a clue what i'm supposed to be doing right now or most days

do i have tasks today? i sure as fuck don't know, and no one else seems to know either

what do i do here? what even is an office? who the fuck knows

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jorts.horse

Unstoppable shitposting engine.