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@ancient_catbus PLEASE ENJOY THIS CERTIFIED HOOD CLASSIC

IT WILL TAKE ME ONE THOUSAND YEARS TO UPLOAD ON MY SHITTY WEBSITE

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BuzzFeed's Top Ten Tips for Honking Off in a Crowded Arby's™ Without Getting Caught by the Fukcing Cops

Well HOT DAMN folks it's that time of year again and I know you're all gathering the family and heading down to the local Arby's™ but before you go, take a gander at this Hot Tips gathered by local experts:

1) Don't forget the sunscreen!
[ᴄʟɪᴄᴋ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴍᴏʀᴇ...]

:promoted: Promoted

and now back to your regularly scheduled barely working website -- this has been our yearly scheduled outage due to me being a disastrously uncoordinated fuckup that forgets to renew the domain name every. single. year. happy jortsmas everybody!! :gynecologist:

glitch.soc's latest release is from 2017? that doesn't seem right. let me see...

oh. they're using "packages" instead of releases now. okay, sure, what's a github package?

oh. oh, no. oh no no no no no. not this. anything but this. NO.

:sob_blood::bloody_d::bloody_o::bloody_c::bloody_k::bloody_e::bloody_r::sob_blood:

:emergency: jorts dot horse upgrade path :emergency: 

@killeveryhetero ok, but jorts' poor preformance has really helped me reconnect with my family

:emergency: jorts dot horse upgrade path [FORK INFO] :emergency: 

oh, for those with no prior knowledge of hometown and glitch.soc:

hometown: github.com/hometown-fork/homet
glitch.soc: glitch-soc.github.io/docs/

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:emergency: jorts dot horse upgrade path WITH POLL! :emergency: 

so let's get on with step one! but vanilla masto... stinky. oof. no thank you

so, here's a poll! from talking to folks a while back, hometown and glitch.soc seemed like the best fits -- they give us more features, they don't look like stinky modern masto, and they both include the ability to do local-only posting, something i think we all want

i do not promise to abide by the results of this poll, but make your thoughts known here!

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:emergency: jorts dot horse upgrade path :emergency: 

so i figure...

step one: update jorts
step two: declare the problem solved and ignore it for another month
step three: admit the problem is not solved, ignore it for another few weeks
step four: move us to another webserver or whatever the fuck needs to be done to fix this shit

so!

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:emergency: jorts dot horse upgrade path :emergency: 

to be blunt, i don't think updating will fix the problem

i think the problem is that linode is now a pile of horseshit for some reason, probably because they got bought

this diagnosis is brought to you by: vibes

but i'm not going to migrate us onto another webserver or anything like that while we're still running cryptkeeper ass cobwebbed shitcode limping along

and i'm *certainly* not gonna do both of these things at once, because i am lazy

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:emergency: jorts dot horse upgrade path :emergency: 

hey lets just say it: jorts runs like dogshit nowadays, and any of the minor tweaks i've tried to do to fix it have done absolutely nothing

it's my own website, and even i can't get it to load on my phone at all anymore

:pensiveghost:

so, the thing i've been putting off for weeks now (and don't get me wrong ... i will probably put off for a couple more weeks after this post! that's BRAND CONSISTENCY, baby!) is upon us

we need to update

somebody link me a funny fork of masto to switch to that includes the vuln patch (i'm not doing it immediately but feel free to throw ideas into the pile)

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:emergency: the big vulnerability thing and jorts.horse :emergency: 

the vuln was apparently introduced in v3.5

we are running v3.3.0

LETS FUCKIN GO, WE'RE SIMPLY TOO OLD TO FUCK WITH, BABEYYYYY

i do need to update this shithole at some point because there's probably a dozen other minor vulns from being so fucking decrepit but you can rest easy that the big problem everyone's panicking about doesn't apply to us, probably

i doubt anyone noticed but i rebooted jorts just now trying to fix something unrelated to jorts on my server sorry

honkai star rail more like honkai star i wanna be railed by half the characters in this game send toot

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jorts.horse

Unstoppable shitposting engine.