Pinned toot

BuzzFeed's Top Ten Tips for Honking Off in a Crowded Arby's™ Without Getting Caught by the Fukcing Cops

Well HOT DAMN folks it's that time of year again and I know you're all gathering the family and heading down to the local Arby's™ but before you go, take a gander at this Hot Tips gathered by local experts:

1) Don't forget the sunscreen!
[ᴄʟɪᴄᴋ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴍᴏʀᴇ...]

:promoted: Promoted

a few early reports from historically trustworthy sources that Elon Musk actually purchased twitter as a dowry at the behest of his new fiance, Graham Lineham; apparently, the two quietly became engaged last month, after reportedly bonding over being publicly cucked by transwomen

getting scattered reports here at the newsdesk that known Mafia snitch, Elon "The Muskrat" Paglione, may have been behind the recent Twitter Inc. acquisition and money laundering scheme.

When reached for comment, he responded: "I buya the website, i no paya my taxes. Mama Mia!"

𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘦,
𝙄𝙏 𝙋𝙐𝙎𝙃 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝘽𝘼𝘾𝙆𝙒𝘼𝙍𝘿.

𝑺𝑬𝑬 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑺𝑷𝑨𝑪𝑬 𝑪𝑼𝑪𝑲...

eyyyyy i remembered to renew the domain name with 3 days to spare

Have you ever heard the tragedy of Sir Lancelot the guy with the unusually large hog? I thought not. It's not a story that mastodon.social would tell you. It's a jorts.horse legend.

Show thread

Sir Lancelot has lots of sex due to being a total badass and also his unusually large hog and all the other knights mock him relentlessly for it, refusing to refer to him by his real name and instead using derisive nicknames like "Sir Fucksalot" and "that guy with the unusually large hog"

you'll never get away with this, FARTSNIFFINGMAN!

OH, but I ALREADY HAVE!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA *sniiiiiiiiiiiff*

ABSOLUTELY CURSED, DO NOT CLICK, DO NOT READ, DO NOT LOOK AT, DONT!!!!!!!!!! [bepis] 

herwe at ARby's™ we know to take the holidsdays SERIOUSLY

so to Prepare fyourself for this special Valentaiones day, why not try something NEW to SPICE things UP for your lovers? check out these Hot and SPicy Tips, gathedrd hrere by a Local Expert! /

Tip #1:

🎶 the best, part, of waking up,,
is pooping from your butt 🎵

please help, my family is threatening to disown me for dabbing aggressively at family dinners, what can i do to regain their trust and respect??? :blobdab:

when another instance demands to know what jorts is "going to do" about a user that was in a fedi slapfight with some other user:

the charisma carpenter / joss whedon thing makes SO much sense if you watched season 4/5 of Angel.... cordelia's plotline never made any fucking sense within the context of the show, it just... blew up, and the way it happened always felt weird and mean.

SURPRISE! that's exactly what it was. what a loser

Show older
jorts.horse

Unstoppable shitposting engine.