Zoey - Arby's™ Ambassador 🥡 @killeveryhetero@jorts.horse

BuzzFeed's Top Ten Tips for Honking Off in a Crowded Arby's™ Without Getting Caught by the Fukcing Cops

Well HOT DAMN folks it's that time of year again and I know you're all gathering the family and heading down to the local Arby's™ but before you go, take a gander at this Hot Tips gathered by local experts:

1) Don't forget the sunscreen!
[ᴄʟɪᴄᴋ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴍᴏʀᴇ...]

Promoted

so i guess someone named Melanie broke into my Spotify account somehow, they've been listening to shit for a few hours and adding songs to my playlists

anyway, now i'm making them listen to Where The Hood at, by DMX, at full volume, repeating the good part over and over again,

i love when people in cars glare at me as they pass me walking down the fake median lane between traffic

eat my whole ass Brenda, run me over i don't give a shit

OKAY GANG WE'RE SAFE

he just called me over to show me the candle

he has no idea that it was only there for like 47 seconds before he found it, he rarely pays attention to that shelf but went for a salt shaker to put on some eggs and went "AH SON OF A BITCH" when he immediately noticed the lurking horse

he doesn't know whether it showed up last week or today

"IT CONTINUES"

me: "where the hell do you even get a horsehead candle???"

"I DUNNO, I DUNNO. -laughing- look at this damned thing"

SOOOOOO I HOPE Y'ALL CAN SEE OUR EXCELLENT CONTENT IN THE MEANTIME

🐎

anyway how they came to the conclusion that 100% of my hair is dyed red when i very obviously and very intentionally did a black and red thing, and was sitting RIGHT HERE IN EYESIGHT WITH PLENTY OF BLACK HAIR, continues to be beyond me

they've never brought it up again

they all immediately wrote it off and forgot

OKAY WHO IS TEXTING HIM, WHO IS HE TEXTING, WHAT ARE THEY PLOTTING, WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?????? THE TEXTS STILL HAVE NOT STOPPED

IS HE IN A HORSE DETECTIVE GROUP CHAT??????????

oh i forgot the picture to accompany the entry before last! Here You Go

this is when they had formed The Tribunal and these donkeys immediately ruled me out because "WELL THE HAIR'S NOT RED, SO IT CAN'T HAVE COME FROM ZOEY" because they have zero idea how hair works (to be fair, most of them don't have much hair left i guess)

they instead starting teasing the target "EY YOU BEEN HAVIN GIRLS COMING OVER TO YOUR CUBE BUD?"

i sat over here in disbelief the entire time

HE MOVED IT TO THE FRONT OF HIS DESK AT SOME POINT

THE TEXTS CONTINUE, UNABATED

HE DIDNT UNWRAP IT??? WHAT WAS ALL THAT CRINKLING????? WAS HE SEARCHING FOR CLUES? DID I LEAVE A LONGASS ZOEYHAIR AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME????

I don't think I mentioned this in the thread earlier, but they found one of my hairs a month ago when I added the rider to the horse

my hair goes down to my waist, it's incredibly long, and the single black hair they found was about 4 feet long .... YYYYYEP THAT'S ME

to be honest i don't really have a clue what i'm supposed to be doing right now or most days

do i have tasks today? i sure as fuck don't know, and no one else seems to know either

what do i do here? what even is an office? who the fuck knows