shonen protag slim pickens @beef_mcgristle@jorts.horse

it is understood that Craig's Lust referred to a malady, whereby the afflicted was compelled to form a rock band (need bassist and singer, auditions wednesdays at 2pm), to obtain free sand (no bags, you haul), and to occupy a roomshare (june to august except 2 weeks of july, no a/c, must not be seen arriving or departing)

you know how many clowns fit in one of those little cars? sorry, dumb fucking question, no one does. but it's a shitload, right? well just imagine, your whole fucking house gets dropped into clownspace, sure it kills the bugs, but you think they're fucking counting rubber noses? might be trading termites for something a whole lot worse

beware the king-granted boondoggle, it conceals within a terrible pricedoggle

(gently drifting from reverie to peaceful slumber) rip and tear? rip and tear what? rip ass and tear ass?

when traveling as an american, it is important to be aware of regional linguistic differences. for example, if a british person asks you "do you even lift?", they are inquiring as to whether you take the elevator after 6pm

I'm a big believer in lamarckism. my kids are going to be so good at believing in lamarckism

someday I'll complete my costco free sample based explanation of the nyquist-shannon sampling theorem. someday I'll get to say "continuous-time meatloaf" and see the dawn of understanding alight on a weary mind

1) has anyone done a KoЯn bluegrass cover band called CoЯn
2) has it possibly always been "KoЯп", and it's supposed to be pronounced "koyap"

wow, you learn something new every day on this beautiful planet

envisioning a "grandma strategy game" where you use your immense knowledge of coupons and chain letters to win a euchre-inflected battle system, acquire "spite tokens", and triumph over the your opponents (other 75+ lutheran church ladies)

apparently "tarnation" came from "damnation" by way of "darnation". what is yosemite sam's deal, did he turn to banditry after getting kicked out of one of the most beautiful places in the world for saying the 1800s equivalent of "heckin' pupperino"

this is what I say to warn someone my living room is a little bit messy

"fortunately, we'll be able to fix it with a simple labrascopic surgery." I'm too engrossed in the diagram of the digestive system on the wall to notice the large black dog with a camera strapped to his head walk past the doorway

tired of the "GIF: jif or gif?" debate. it's time for "jender vs gender"

got some beat up old antique nightstands from a family friend, and this ad is printed inside the drawers. loving that "the approaching Election" is universally regarded as a cause for chair-buying, and that EVERYONE knows what hitchcock's chairs look like, do NOT ask me to describe them

"oh, I could go to bed nice and early tonight, set myself up nice for tomorrow" lying in bed two hours later "I could make a sandwich and post 'makeing a sandwidge'. maybe I don't even need to make the sandwich"

noticing too late that it isn't salt water in the sensory deprivation tank, but chicken stock. as I hurl potatoes and carrots uselessly at the door, the temperature begins to rise. "I'll never have my next great business innovation idea like this" I think, the witch's cackle reverberating madly through the chamber

I tried to get on a bus to the airport but it was the antifa supersoldier bus (still trying to get to new jersey) and when I pulled the cord for my stop they threw a cement milkshake at my head and the bus driver told me to check my privilege and I had to climb out the window at a stopsign and an old lady laughed at me. but that's just life in joe brandon's america