Pinned toot

DID YOU KNOW? Any group of 4 or more mid-40s white dudes who dress to make themselves appear to be in their twenties is called an Imagine Dragons.

EXAMPLE: Oh God, Kristie’s hemmed in at the bar by a whole entire Imagine Dragons, let’s go save her

PRO TIP: If you can’t get your hands on any Quaaludes or codeine, go to YouTube and play Sunday Bloody Sunday at 0.5 speed. It’s basically the same thing.

(Me as an ant)
My friend: No, don’t eat that! It’s infected with cordyceps spores! It’ll obliterate your mind and drive you around like a car!

Me: (just eats faster) Fuckin badass

Been gone for a while so I assume everyone’s moved instances 7-8 times, which instance is the new hot one?

(to the tune of Nowhere Man)
He’s a real piece of shit
And he’s real proud of it
Pouring gas and huffing it
With nobody

Whenever Twitter is too bad for me, I come running to Mastodon

toot goof boosted

the kind of "humor" I write when I'm too scared and sad to know up from down 

from the storyboard for my favorite unsung holiday special It's Perfectly Fine To Hit Nazis, Charlie Brown

just gonna chime in here real quick and say to all my trans & nb friends who had a rough time over thanksgiving: you're cute as fuck and pure of heart and if they can't handle your buttery wholesomeness, fuck 'em.

Unbelievable that in this country we’re still trying to legislate sexual orientation and gender while people are still flagrantly selling raisins as if that was okay

when I should just tell the person who hurt me that they hurt me but instead I'm using it as an opportunity to begin a spiral of loathing and reclusiveness

[over noisy Christmas shopping crowd]

URBAN OUTFITTERS CLERK: You want to know if we have anything from New Hampshire?


of course for sheer ham shirt goodness, they're never gonna beat the 2013 collection. that was the high water mark for ham shirts.

It’s early November so you know what that means: Urban Outfitters is about to roll out this year’s shirts that look like ham

My kink is a loving and supportive relationship with both deep intimacy and an abiding respect for personal boundaries but that's been pretty hard to find so I'll settle for getting punched in the face

DID YOU KNOW? Before starting the Five Guys burger chain, the five owners were a successful Canadian sketch comedy troupe called The Kids In the Hall

Show more

Unstoppable shitposting engine.