Gonna make chewing easier by replacing my tongue with a giant tooth

Fact: Jesse Ventura gets brief visions of the future every time he says "Minnesota"

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update: kpoppies are unaware of the fact clothes are supposed to be worn multiple times

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100% certain im a year late in making this but i dont care and also i put too much effort into this -not- to post it

seize the joduction! (jeans of production)

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honestly i'd be okay looking for a successor on here so i can retire from posting and live a quiet life on a farm or some shit

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Elon Musk watch out, I'm starting "The Awesome Company" and I will be selling pens and socks.

I walk onto the American Idol stage, clear my throat, raise my phone and send the crowd into a frenzy of applause when I post a toot that says "An Bepis"

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what if ghe real donald j trump was inside us all along

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All these stories about ghosts calling family members from beyond the grave to tell them they're ok, but not one where they prank call their widow asking for someone named "Hugh Jass"

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I dedicate this toot to defeating Russia Putin. Strange how my opponents have failed to do the same.

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I too am still saddened by the loss of steve jobs. Where will all the steves work now? Even steves need jobs.

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The donation request at the end of every Guardian article is always hilarious -- "please donate generously to our for-profit liberal newspaper so we can say Corbyn is a bad and the Bezos divorce is a feminism"

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i can hear a dog barking at another dog. the reason? the other dog was barking at it, because it was being barked at

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i strive to better my thoughts for the sake of our market’s health

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*dad voice* if you wanna kiss my daughter your gonna have to smooch the free market first!!

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Please drink some water if you haven't in a while. I love you ❤️

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jorts.horse

Unstoppable shitposting engine.