Pinned toot

Got hit up on tinder and I was like 99% sure they were scamming but that 1% was getting my brain’s entire attention

Until they asked me to hit up their cashapp

some of us gentlemen still believe in the old ways of courtship because you're worth it

making the secret service groan audibly when i as president make them bring around the bicycle motorcade with the big dome that goes over the presidential bicycle

i love having a jar of pepperoncini on the counter. every time i walk by i'm like "don't mind if i do" and right then and there i am confirming i do not have one early symptom of covid along with the main character Riddick

youtube's got eveyrone talking about breatharianism and it's got me talking about how rice cookers are amazing


Experiencing extreme discomfort having misunderstood the nature and administration of jalapeno poppers

I got half my teeth scaled and polished, they'll do the other half next monday, so now i've got one week to get me a coin and take down the bat man

thinking up a superhero who has the ability to hack his DNA and protein expressions to develop whatever attributes are necessary for a given challenge. I will call him Gene Hack Man

anyone capable of not spacing out and superimposing walk hard the dewey cox story over whatever biopic you try to watch anymore

The shirt above the butt was the colour of television, tuned to a dead channel

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Unstoppable shitposting engine.