Pinned toot

so this fry cook, right? he turned himself into a sponge somehow. it was hilarious

watching The Thing in 1982: wow these guys are in such incredible isolation

watching The Thing in 2020: wow these guys can hang out together

Got hit up on tinder and I was like 99% sure they were scamming but that 1% was getting my brain’s entire attention

Until they asked me to hit up their cashapp

some of us gentlemen still believe in the old ways of courtship because you're worth it

making the secret service groan audibly when i as president make them bring around the bicycle motorcade with the big dome that goes over the presidential bicycle

i love having a jar of pepperoncini on the counter. every time i walk by i'm like "don't mind if i do" and right then and there i am confirming i do not have one early symptom of covid along with the main character Riddick

youtube's got eveyrone talking about breatharianism and it's got me talking about how rice cookers are amazing youtu.be/RSTNhvDGbYI

uspol 

the democrats are a bunch of goof-em-ups! i'm sorry i had to say it though!!!!!

Experiencing extreme discomfort having misunderstood the nature and administration of jalapeno poppers

I got half my teeth scaled and polished, they'll do the other half next monday, so now i've got one week to get me a coin and take down the bat man

thinking up a superhero who has the ability to hack his DNA and protein expressions to develop whatever attributes are necessary for a given challenge. I will call him Gene Hack Man

anyone capable of not spacing out and superimposing walk hard the dewey cox story over whatever biopic you try to watch anymore

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jorts.horse

Unstoppable shitposting engine.